Like all romantic and (slightly) illicit liaisons, my first sexual encounter with a woman was fraught with the usual complex emotions. Except that she was much younger than I was and I, well… I had never been with a woman before.
It started with a mutual love of literature. She wrote such wonderful stories, imbued with a strong but gentle spirituality. The first time I saw her it felt like I was dreaming. That old cliché had become reality- for the rest of that day it felt like a spell had been cast over me. It was some kind of soul connection and the next thing we knew, we were writing letters to one another every day and those letters became a way to write our story as we lived it.
Because of the intensity of the relationship, sex wasn’t really a priority for us. As it turned out, the stars aligned for only one sexual encounter. It was incredibly meaningful to us both. We explored one another’s bodies with the curiosity of children and when we looked in each other’s eyes I could see all she had been through, and it was clear that she could really SEE me. We were both really into each other that day, and were both really, really close to coming… but we didn’t. I remember sucking on her right nipple, and getting a bit carried away, which she found a little scary! It was as awkward as these things always are. I couldn’t apply the most intimate details of my body to hers. We should have gone down on each other, but I guess I wasn’t ready. It felt like two of the same kind of spark desperately trying to make fire. Afterwards, I remember feeling such relief, thinking “ I am a lesbian now!” which ‘explained’ all my past traumatic relationships, but the hard truth is that I am more straight than not. And in the end, this broke her heart.
Our connection was very real and I don’t regret a second of it. But now that I am older I can see how there were too many expectations, which inevitably results in tricky projections too. If two people (who have had really crappy childhoods) want to be loved so much, it’s as if life only becomes meaningful when you have found The One. So when you fall, you fall hard and when it’s over, well, it’s worse than death. Maybe the real lesson here is don’t go out with a straight woman, but I have found that you have to try something to really know how you feel.
If you know what I’m talking about, if you also have been overwhelmed by this kind of all-consuming love then you will also know that it’s difficult to say what you like sexually. But I believe it’s vitally important. It can break the spell, in a good way, by bringing you to that sacred place where what the body wants meets what the heart needs. It’s not about making demands, but simply to talk about what turns you on. I am a fairly outspoken sort of person but up to that point I had been conditioned into allowing the man to take the lead while having sex. So it was strange (and so necessary) to have that role reversed!
Of course you may be shy (especially if it’s a new relationship) but no matter whether gay, straight or bi, it takes guts to say what you want. It should never be a demand (“Hand me those handcuffs!”) or a condition (“If you go down on me I’ll go down on you”) but it’s really amazing to feel free to talk about your fantasies or say “I love it when you…” This is not only empowering for you as a woman, it brings you closer together because if the relationship is based on equality, there is nothing that will make your woman happier than to really turn you on. Hell, it has taken me many years to realise this, and I have been in my current relationship for over 12 years yet only now have I come out and said THIS is what I like.