Let me share one app experience with you. It was super fun hooking up with my then girlfriend (it lasted three years) on Thunderbolt City. I know, the name cracks me up as well, but thunder is what it gave me. It was the winter of 2010, the year of the Soccer World Cup in South Africa. I was spending long nights out at fan parks and was coming back to an empty and cold home. The idea of having someone special waiting for me when I got home sent me to Thunderbolt City. I made a few acquaintances pretty quickly and then BOOM! I was dating and enjoying things that lovers do.

Online dating doesn’t always end up this way, sometimes prospective lovers don’t always upload a profile picture so you don’t have a visual to work from, you end up liking somebody just from their written word and online conversations before you get to meet them in flesh, which might be good or bad. I have met my fair share of weirdo’s. Most recently I came across a woman who preferred sexual intimacy while fully clothed. Needless to say I ran the other direction very fast.

There is another cool dating app called Scissr, the name is enough to excites any woman. All you need is your phone and all profiles have pictures attached to them so you have an idea of what your prospective lover looks like (that is if they are using their authentic image to begin with).

Scissr has introduced to me women from all over the world in an unimaginable way, only one or three swipes and you’re in a little heaven chatting to various women. This app is simply priceless because it zooms in to possible prospective lovers in your immediate area and you can adjust your location and reach as you wish. Sometimes I choose to view locals during a certain time of the day and then expand my search area as far wide as Japan after hours for fun. At least that’s what I do so as not to get tempted and get carried away by conjuring scissoring scenes on my mind all day long while I’m at work.

To me, dating apps are the best way to meet women, safe and fast. So if you need a little help in getting back on that dating horse, go with the apps. If you think about it, you ‘Gotta be on Scissr to be scissored (my own catch phrase, thank-you very much).

Lest we forget how far we have come. It was in 1990 that the first Pride March took place in Johannesburg, and we have celebrated and commemorated this day in earnest, year upon year since then with the numbers of pride-goers swelling and multiplying with each year.

It is a form of expression that hasn’t lost its relevance. Its relevance is still palpable because there is still a need to present ourselves in the spaces that ordinarily shun our queer bodies. Before we go on any further, have any of you ever wondered what keeps sending us back to Pride over and over again, yeah some people have only done a couple or even no Pride at all but almost every queer body knows and has heard about Pride. The big question then becomes: what does pride truly mean to each of us? Does the existence of numerous pride marches give a glimpse of the varying ways in which we choose to express how we celebrate or remember this unmissable day?

During the recent Soweto as well as Pretoria pride I ventured out and asked different people what being at Pride means to them, here is a glimpse into what some said:

 “At First, I used to come here to celebrate the struggles we have all been through but lately I’m getting confused about which pride to attend because they are so many.” 

 “I feel safe when I march with many people who are like me, it’s like we are saying we are here in numbers and we belong here as well.” 

 “I’m not ashamed to say, for me it’s all about the fun and the turn-up, that’s why I’m here.” 

 “As an activist and feminist I come to the pride to celebrate our strides and reconnect with other activists and have a good time while at it, I like making a point of dressing up and looking good.” 

 “Hey come hell or high water I’ll always attend all the pride marches I can, I get inspired just by being here, you meet all sorts of happy people here and business deals take place here, I have had a few good opportunities from attending pride myself.” 

Amidst all the pride festivities isn’t it worth slipping it into regular pride conversation how mindful one has to be of guzzling gallons without having taken some precautionary measures of some sort. Its usually advisable to drink a fair amount of liquids, non-alcoholic at this point I must add, eat right, a protein high meal before a wild turn-up weekend, this way I’m told you avoid getting a hellish hangover the next day. For whatever reason you celebrate Pride, be proud of who you are and let your true colours shine through 24/7.

Happy Pride!

I don’t mean to sound preachy, but what seems to be lacking is the authentic joint effort needed to face some of the issues that make many women passive to this day and not give it the attention it deserves.

As a gender non-conforming person I know that absolutely nothing is done to commemorate the day in a way that includes me as well as other gender-non-conforming women for that matter. I have often asked many like-minded friends how they would feel included with regards to women’s day and women’s month, the common feeling is usually that we would like to benefit more from our healthcare system. One that is specifically aimed at or tailor made for lesbians. It sometimes takes days that celebrate something like Pride and Women’s day for us to really think about what we want.

Ever notice how Pride events are awesome ‘one-stop shops’ from having mobile HIV testing booths, to sex toys stalls, leather goodies gazebos and even the occasional mobile pet store. I often find myself asking myself, why do I get more excited over Pride than Women’s month? I guess it’s because it is more festive and I identify with it as it is speaks to my sexuality. Maybe if Women’s month catered for women who really do love women, than we would get more excited about it. Until then, I am going to keep on looking forward to the Pride season because if gives me some of the stuff I want. It is cool to have free health-related offerings at these gatherings because they are sensitive to my sexuality and accepting compared to the mainstream or public health offerings that are rigid, prescriptive and homophobic.

Some private health services are no different. Recently a lesbian couple I know were at a clinic after just having their son and mommy number 2 wanted to spend the night with her partner and their newborn, but were told by the staff that that right is only reserved for new fathers. I mean, REALLY? Is this for real and really happening in our time. Personal prejudice should never interfere with human rights.

Maybe next time Women’s month comes around we should make more of a noise and stand up for all women, regardless of sexuality, to be able to enjoy our rights that those brave women, just like us, fought for us to have all those years ago.

However, when I do dress up my androgynous self cannot be missed, although some might misplace how I present myself as being masculine or even butch, but I’m quick to tell them my ‘butch’ is a state of mind and I love it but don’t wear it on my clothing… “Arg” (my attempt at sounding frustrated) – that type of thinking belongs in the 90s. We are evolving creatures in our sexual preferences, this notion is what adds to stigma and one being ostracized by society at large and more appallingly within our own gay community. There is just no linear, cast in stone way of being, this actually is a form of stigma that is quite prevalent at the workplace albeit in very subtle ways.

I went to a networking event for work with my male line manager a while ago, he seemed bowled over by my ‘networking skills’ but told me how saddened he was by my sexual orientation. My ears couldn’t believe what they we’re hearing, was this man really serious? Was he saddened by my sexual desires? How very odd, I thought. I am not sad about his sexuality. Anyway, it upset me that people still have this jaded mentality. These are my sexual desires for crying out loud, and no one but me and whoever benefits from them can have a say. If that was not enough, he went on to say that “it is a pity that, even with your hard work, you can’t get far in this organization, due to your ‘sexual orientation’”. I could have died right on the spot. ‘It’ then continued to say that “the men at work wouldn’t allow a woman like you to be in an influential position here, having you in a position like that would be like they do not exist.”

By now I was furious and begging myself underneath my breath not to flip my lid and completely lose it. In essence, me being absolutely in-touch, sometimes in a tongue in-cheek way, with my own God given masculinity, I was threatening theirs. I was momentarily gutted by what he said, it shook my world, for an instant. My views about the organization I work for changed, I would be stigmatized and frowned upon because of being me – my true self – a queer lesbian. I am glad to say I no longer work for this company.

This could have made me despondent and bitter but I chose to not let it affect me. Some people are just not worth it. It actually made me even more determined than ever not to be dictated to by societal prejudices. Before this stigma moment at work – I had faced the occasional stares in the lift or colleagues just blatantly showing you that they won’t greet you, but will enthusiastically greet whoever is standing next to you with that pretentious syrupy sweetness, “eeeuu!!.” Shame. I actually feel pity for those who have not allowed themselves to grow mentally.

It’s tough to have to go through this ‘stigma thing’ kind of all your life but we forge ahead and keep on pushing, don’t we? On the flipside there are good people who love and respect me for me regardless of who I choose to love.

Stigma and narrow-minded judgments don’t rock my world anymore. Not even for an instant.

Even though I had no history of breast cancer in my family or any unusual lumps, I was approaching 40 and felt it time. I felt equipped with information going into this mammogram session, prior to this, no one urged me to go, unlike my previous scheduled routine tests where I almost had to be dragged screaming to do something that would inevitably benefit me. I even took extra care on the morning of the test (you never know who’s going to touch your bosom during the test) so I put on my best white cotton bra just in case a beautiful woman was on the other side of the examination. My doctor told me that the session was going to be conducted by another woman, which gave me heavenly thoughts…

Finally, with my head out of the clouds, I find myself wearing an all too familiar green apron, walking towards the x-ray machine. It is at this moment I realise how ill prepared I am and start freaking out quietly internally. Then one of nurses in the room gently cups my breast and squishes it in between cold, hard metal plates – bringing it closer to the x-ray light. At this point all heavenly thoughts of how nice this should feel disappear. She asks if I’m comfortable? I mumble a moan, and hiss a groan underneath my breath, why the ‘bleep’ do I have to pretend to be this brave, Lord knows I could pee in my ‘boy cut’ jeans round about now. Gosh, this feels more like a boobie trap than a test for breast cancer.

I thought my Pap smear session was intrusive but this was now threatening to overtake that. Bearing my boobs to a stranger really takes the cake for me. I am an extremely private person, wait, I’m insanely private. I’m freaking queer I have to be private for crying out loud, otherwise society devours me to hell and back. The machine feels foreign against my best friends, my boobs, the machines presses even harder, making the experience worse, “it’s not as bad as it seems, it will be alright,” shrieks a voice behind the machine’s operator. I reluctantly shuffle swiftly ahead allowing them full access to my boobs with their ‘boobie trap machine’.

When the test is over and I am told the next day I have no signs of breast cancer, I feel silly at how I over reacted to the feel of metal clamping down on my breasts. Not the most pleasant test but within minutes it’s over.

Screening is recommended from the age of 40 onwards, even 50 years up. So until then I will keep examining my own breasts, or better yet get my girlfriend to get lost in my bosom.

I didn’t think it was necessary, I mean, after all my GP had only recommended I use contraceptives to get rid of acne in my early adult years, other than that she use to joke about how I’m pretty safe from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) as I only slept with women. That kind of made me feel safe, but only for a while, as I soon was back to see the same doctor for an STI related condition. She was completely shocked and could not understand how it was possible for “a lesbian to be exposed to that.” After researching it myself, I told my doctor that lesbians are also at risk of STIs, you can get it by sharing sex toys or having sexual contact with a woman who is also having sex with men or women. I mean, who would have thought, and I the patient was telling the doctor. Weird.

Anyway, I still had to find a gynaecologist, so I ran straight to my boss who is also a lesbian and was living with a woman at the time, to recommend a doctor. I went specifically to her because I figured if she is living with a woman permanently, then things like gynae check ups should to be a regular feature in her life, not mine. At the time I was single and dating and didn’t think these sorts of things necessary at all. I didn’t know any better then…how could I have been so ignorant to my needs as a woman.

On the day of the doctor’s appointment I didn’t know what to expect being my first time, but I heard the ‘horror’ stories of how a metal object would be used during the pap smear session, that alone made me feel just a tad uncomfortable. ‘Boss Lady’ had recommended this doctor because he was gentle and very good at his job.

I arrived at the doctor’s consulting rooms, if numbers were anything to go by then this doctor must be damn good as swarms of patients were waiting to see him, and joined the queue. My turn came quicker than I thought, I walked in wearing those jade coloured apron like tops they put you in before the consult. To my surprise the doctor was a man. I had only ever imagined visiting a female gynaecologist. Anyway, man or woman I knew I had to have this checked out.

He mumbled something like, “get into the female position”. “Huh”, I replied with a puzzled look on my face, as he gestured toward the stretcher where I had to get into position. When he was done with gathering his equipment he showed me how to ‘mount’ the stretcher facing him, and inserted a longer version of a cotton wool ear bud into my vagina. Why didn’t he just say spread your legs (lol). I am usually a top mostly kind of girl, though quite versatile, so this position was foreign to me.

Even though I felt a little uncomfortable having a huge cotton bud inside my vagina, and another steel device inside me for the pap smear, I knew it was necessary. This was also the beginning of a serious relationship with me and my sexual health and my newly found old, male gynaecologist. I only found out later that any woman is at risk of developing cervical cancer, lesbian or not. Thankfully nothing was wrong with me, but it so easily could have been something serious.

In my stint of not so serious non-committal relationships, I encountered an STI, the human papillomavirus (HPV) for the first time from two different individuals I was ‘playing’ with who could have been infected with HPV. Having regular check-ups has now become as essential as breathing to me. It doesn’t matter how intrusive having a pap smear to detect any onset of cervical cancer may be, you must have it done.

Oh, and if there is one thing I learnt from the ‘old doc’, is how to do a self-exam for lumps on my breasts. I tell you, being a woman who starts to understand how her body works, is a full time job, but I love it. I love feeling in control of my body and my health, I guess that is why I like being on top.

This article was written by a contributing writer for Health4Women, a project of the Anova Health Institute NPC. The project is funded by Global Fund to fight AIDS, TB and Malaria through Right to Care. This article represents the contributing writer’s personal views.